Speaking personally, I grew up not truly understanding family. My dad was around and did his best to provide for us (and he did an excellent job) but there wasn’t any real connection, no fatherly moments or special fatherly wisdom. In all reality, I just remember him being there in his chair. I never saw him and my mom lovey duvey. I saw them hold hands once and kiss rarely. So, it was no surprise when I got the news about their divorce. It wasn’t ugly, dad just moved out into a different house and everything continued on.
My oldest brother was always kind of out of the picture, being almost 16 years older than I. We never had anything in common. In fact, I didn’t even realize I had a second, older brother until one year at Thanksgiving. I saw some guy that I didn’t know and asked my mom, “who is that” to which she responded, “that’s your oldest brother”. Insert confused face emoji.
Growing up though I almost idolized my middle brother. Being 8 years older than I, he was the coolest. He would pick me up and drive me places bumping music the whole time. But there was still never a brother-to-brother moment, just superficiality.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. While both parents were working, I spent most weekdays with them. I owe a lot to them. My grandpa was the most loving person you’d meet; everyone he met he adopted into the family. My grandma was the most gentle and caring. A true prayer warrior. I get choked up just thinking about it. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without all that face time she had with Jesus.
I was always closest to my mom. She was the discipliner, rewarder, comforter, all around one there for me. We both started following Jesus around the same time which brought us even closer. And to this day she is my family’s biggest supporter.
In that same season, being more zealous than wise in many an argument, I damned my family for being foolish (not following Jesus). Family became even more awkward for me, especially with my middle brother who was the blunt of my verbal sludge. Thankfully however, there has been a lot of growth between us brothers since then.
My wife also came from dysfunction but didn’t really recognize it until we got married and started getting closer to Jesus. Not having examples of authentic, real communication and marriage, our first years were rocky to put it nicely. We’ve been on a pursuit to learn what blood family should look like and just as passionately to understand Kingdom family.
More than anything, I feel like this is what my wife and I have been called to. Cultivate family. A daunting task considering neither of us have a shining example of this. But more and more I see the destruction of family in the world and the lack of it in the Kingdom. It is probably one of the greatest, if not the greatest, area under attack by the enemy. It’s the source of the most wounded hearts and the lid that’s canned many dreams. The place where division and anger are often learned, and lie is taught.
Where’s the example? Where’s the standard? If we continue to follow the pattern of the world, we’ll find ourselves off stitch and sewing discord. The Church should always be the leading example of moral, purity, faith, hope and love. And family. As I’ve heard it said, 2/3 of the God head is devoted to family. God has adopted us into His family and so often we still act as orphans. Uneducated, unled, uncultured. I wish I knew the answers, and had it all figured out as I write this, but I don’t.
However, I have learned a few things.
Order and unity.
Family culture needs order to prevent chaos. A patriarch is needed. And in the Kingdom the head is Jesus. He is the only uncompromising, unchanging example there is. Perfect in moral. Perfect in love. Perfect in discipline. He is always trustworthy. His plan and will are perfect. In order to find true family, we first need to be willing to submit to Him and the more perfectly we do so, the more we will find ourselves in unity not just with Him but also with one another.
The final outcry of Jesus was that we, His disciples, would be one as He and the Father are one. What a standard! But just as having the same blood makes relatives family, having the same spirit makes us family in the Kingdom. A purer, eternal flow courses through our bodies, giving us divine DNA straight from the Source.
Being one with each other is only possible by His spirit that He gives freely and without measure. Who knows the mind of someone except for his own spirit, and we have the spirit of Christ! We can know the mind and inner thoughts of the Savior forming us all into unity! How beautiful!
Love and obedience.
Love is the foundation on which everything is built. It’s the sturdy rock that oceans tides can’t wash away, the anchor that holds in the wind, the rose-colored lense to view life through and every other cliché. But it’s true. Love fulfills our heart’s intent. We can move mountains, give all we have to the poor and know the mysteries of God but if we have not love all we’re doing is making noise! Jesus said if you love me, you will keep my commandments and His commandments are not burdensome.
Is it burdensome to serve your spouse or significant other? Of course not (at least it shouldn’t be)! We’re willing to throw a lasso around the moon to give it to them. To stretch ourselves to unthinkable lengths to serve and do for the one’s we love. How much more so for the One who gave His very blood and life for us? Or for those that we’ll be spending eternity with?
Jesus said that if you say you love me but hate your neighbor then the truth is not in you and that if we even call or think someone as stupid or fool that we are in danger of hell. Love covers a multitude of wrongs and always hopes for the best. It is the branch from which the rest of the Kingdom blossoms.
Selflessness, humility and serving.
To find your life you must first lose it. Pride divides to life’s demise. It acquires and consumes until there’s nothing left, killing relationships in the process. Like a virus that’s driven to do what it wants, how it wants, for its own purpose. And it is always followed by a downfall. Whereas selflessness is the gift that keeps on giving.
Giving yourself away for the betterment of those around you. The act of considering others greater. It’s the meek who inherit the earth. It’s the humble and lowly in heart that receive honor and edification from the Patriarch. It’s only in selflessness that we can truly follow Jesus, who didn’t consider equality with God something to be grasped but instead, set aside His own glory and took on the very nature of a servant.
A servant works all day in the field to come home into his master’s house and serves the master his food before he himself sits down, without expecting even a thank you, because he knows serving is his life’s duty. Life is not about us (singular). It never has been and never will be. It’s about the Patriarch and He asks us to love His children as He does.
Freedom and enjoyment.
America is painted with the colors of freedom. After all, it’s the land of the free. A basic human right. But I look around and see bondage, cold lonely bondage. Addicted to alcohol, pills, drugs, food, and pornography. People riddled in debt. Slaves to their 9-5. Held hostage by health problems. At least we have the freedom to say what we want; well, if it’s politically correct that is.
By definition, freedom is exemption from external control. How many of us can say that? That you are unplagued by any type of external control? Paul said, it is for freedom that we have been made free. How many of us have read that and thought, well, that doesn’t make any sense? He also says, we were once slaves to sin but because of the cross and Christ’s sacrifice, we have been made free from the law, sin and death so, use your freedom to become slaves to righteousness. Haha. What?! That makes perfect sense, thanks Paul!
So the question remains, what does freedom look like? And that within a family setting? As I stated earlier, love is the branch from which the rest of the Kingdom blossoms and that is especially true with freedom. Freedom is only experienced inside of love. Freedom is a willingness to be vulnerable. To not be concerned about the opinions and judgements of others. Being, therefore, unhindered to express my failures and successes, struggles and victories, doubts and faith.
It’s the ability to choose to do right in the presence of those doing wrong. To speak and say truth without the worry of reproach. To be bold in the face of persecution. Freedom is the ability to submit to the Patriarch and love from a place of obedience. Surrender to someone without love is control. Surrender in a place of love is freedom. And when we are free, we can begin to find true enjoyment in life.
Who wants to be around a bunch of people who are burdensome? Who sap your energy instead of replenish? I believe this to be a simple secret to life. So many of us do things for the sake of having to do them.
“I have to be around my wife today, again, because she’s always there.”
“I guess it’s time to do my brotherly duty and check in to see how he’s doing. “
“Man, I guess I’m stuck babysitting this kid again.”
These are all absurd statements to make but in reality, or at least mine, I’ve found to be true of my actions. Finding myself having to deal with people instead of enjoying them. When we were in Africa, Holy Spirit said to me, “the reason you’re bitter and lacking joy is because you have forgotten how to enjoy the very people closest to you.” I believe God, in His creating process, didn’t think hmm, I guess I have to make man for me to have to put up with. Preposterous!
He created us for His enjoyment and us in His image. People don’t decide to have kids to have to just deal with them, we have them for the chance of enjoying them! James tells us to count it ALL joy. Gathering with other Christians and family should be a time of joy. We should walk away rejuvenated and more full of life after communing with our eternal family (not the way Mormons see it).
In summary, the nine aspects of healthy family I have noted are:
order, unity, love, obedience, selflessness, humility, serving, freedom and enjoyment.
Like I said, I’m still in pursuit of how all this should look and am by no means successful at it yet. But it is with great desire I strive to replicate and foster these characteristics within our family.
Leave a Reply